The Up and Up

About six months ago, I was getting ready for the SATs. The day before I had a minor nervous breakdown, the product of several months of loneliness and an incredible amount of homework. I remember that Friday-before-SATs clearly. It felt like you feel after you've cried for a very long time.

I called it the Day It All Fell Apart.

I went shopping for my homecoming clutch that day, and would go on to have an amazing homecoming with friends in Faulkner. I would get my 800 verbal on the SATs the next day.

Where am I now? I am happy. I am incredibly happy. I'm working hard but I enjoy it-- most of it-- and I have friends and I love the people I'm surrounded with. I've overcome a lot of my crazy self-expectations, and set some better ones. I haven't had to fall apart much. I'm going to prom in two weeks with one of my best friends from Faulkner. I need to raise my math score by like 60 points, if possible. We'll see. Relient K, as always, has words of wisdom.

To be prosperous
Would not require much of me
You see contentment is the one thing
It entails

To be content with where I am
And getting where I need to be
I'm moving past the past
Where I have failed

But I'm finally catching onto it
And now the past is just a conduit
Right there at the end
Is where I'll be
Oh

Cause I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
And I haven't given up
Given up on what
What I've gained from love

And I'm on the up and up
I'm on the up and up
Yeah there's nothing left to prove
Cause I'm just trying to be
A better version of me
For you
A better version of me
For you

- Relient K, Up and Up

Words to Live By

It is better to be alone, she figures, than to be with someone who can't see who you are. It is better to lead than to follow. It is better to speak up than stay silent. It is better to open doors than to shut them on people.

She will not be simple and sweet. She will not be what people tell her she should be. That Bunny Rabbit is dead.

She watches the boys as they peel off in different directions and disappear around corners and into the buildings of Alabaster.

She doesn't feel like crying anymore.

-The Disreputable History of Frankie Landau-Banks, E. Lockhart

S (tupid) A (norexic) T (imed) s (sheetsofpaper)

I think I really am growing up.

I join, against all principles, the thousands of students once again in re-taking the SATs this Saturday morning. I'd like to up my math score by about 60 points, as well as my writing score. It's a matter of making sure colleges don't scratch their heads when they see my College Board report.

O, how I hate College Board.
I hate their seductive College QuickFinder,
their costly exams
the hours and dimes they steal from us
the poor overachieving youth
who only need
another hour
of sleep

Ahem. Poetry moment over.

Seriously, this whole college business is beginning to get serious. Thursday I can start scheduling my W&M interview for this summer. I have to narrow down my list of 10 schools to 7-- it costs $75 just to apply to these places. I've already crossed out JMU and once I tour Columbia & NYU, I expect to cross out one or the other.

The grades war continues. My trig teacher is under the impression that I have an A in his class, according to the online grading report. Brilliant! I just got a 50 on his quiz, so that won't last too long. I have tests in math and chemistry tomorrow which should be... interesting.

In one way I'm grateful for blogging. It helps me reflect publicly over this time in my life. It's unique and stressful-- SATs and hormones mixed in-- but it's special. It stands out. It stands out as being happy, too, inspite of all this gross stuff I'm learning about polar coordinates and multiple choice questions.

Whirligig

Today I

had a Latin Club meeting (now a VP) about going to a local elementary school and reading pic books in Latin

made hummus

worked on my College Extra-Curric Activities Resume

read Edmund Spenser in front of a hundred of my peers for National Poetry Day (Sonnet 30, Amoretti)

went outside to take notes in AP Chem

was interviewed for a school peer-mentoring club

wrote a sentence in English and translated to Latin

failed a math quiz

did homework and sleep in study hall

went on a good walk

showed my grandmother how much i've improved in music

went to harp ensemble

am exhausted.

Favorite Song of the Week

Relient K is becoming one of my favorite bands. Sure, I steal the e-CD from my sister, but they're just so cool. Love their lyrics, their music, their sound, their message... sigh. So, amazing song of the week.

Must Have Done Something Right

We should get jerseys cause we make a great team
But yours would look better than mine, cause you're outta my league
And I know that it's so cliche to tell you that everyday
I spend with you is the new best day of my life

Everyone watching us just turns away with disgust
It's Jealousy, they can see that we've got it going on
And I'm racking my brain for a new improved way
To let you know your more to me than what I know how to say

You're ok with the way this is going to be
This is going to be thing we've ever seen
If anyone can make me a better person you could
All I gotta say is I musta done something good
I came along one day and you rearranged my life
All I gotta say is I musta done something right
I musta done something right

Maybe I'm just lucky cause it's hard to believe
Believe that somebody like you'd end up with someone like me
And I know that it's so cliche to talk about you this way
But I'll push all my inhibitions aside
It's so very obvious to everyone watching us
That we have got something real good going on

And I'm racking my brain for a new improved way
To let you know your more to me than what I know how to say
You're ok with the way this is going to be
This is going to be thing we've ever seen

If anyone can make me a better person you could
All I gotta say is I musta done something good
I came along one day and you rearranged my life
All I gotta say is I musta done something right
I musta done something right

Sunday Homework Overload

It's in the water.

Ever since Spring Break teachers everywhere have been dumping homework like it is chemical waste. The sheer magnitude of this is frightening. I even did some homework (okay, about thirty minutes) yesterday and I still have about five hours left. Therefore, I have read my weekly dose of The New York Times (Sunday Styles and Arts & Leisure; not the Book Review because they're always snooty) and eaten too many chocolate chip bagels and am setting down for Real Work. And blogging.

I also gave in and watched Transformers last night (bored.) It was funny but kind of silly, too; all those bright-colored trucks. Geez.

White Washed Walls Suck

I think my GPA (okay, grades are averaging out to 92.4 this quarter) would vastly improve if they just painted the walls of all the classes colors. RED. YELLOW. GREEN. BLUE. Instead of white.

The white makes it feel like a prison or concentration camp. It makes me cry (literally; I have sensitive eyes.) It makes me want to close my eyes and sleep. It does not make me work harder because I'm so happy because of all the pretty colors.

I NEED COLORS.

Having said that, I just came back from volunteering at a dance for senior citizens at school. I actually didn't dance with any senior citizens-- I'm more scared of them than boys -- but it was really fun. I'm listening to Relient K's "The Best Thing," which is appropriate. Coming to school was the best thing I could have done.

I don't even want to go back to Faulkner, anymore. Just to visit (and I need to do that soon.) I miss my friends terribly, miss being physically with them going through life. But life is really looking up, as long as I have sleep and don't get a defeatist attitude. Who the heck succeeds with a defeatist attitude?

Can you tell this is a stream-of-consciousness blog post?